Early in 2021, I had the privilege to interview (in person with social distance guidelines in place) with one of the admins for the support group/page on Facebook “Behind Their Masks – Survivors of Narcissistic Mothers”
We felt given the nature of my memoir and the purpose of the group, it was a wonderful match. I’ve included the transcript of the interview below, and I will be uploading the video/voice recording as soon as I can format it correctly 😅
I: So, I guess firstly, introduce yourself! Who you are-what you wrote-etc
A: Hello, I’m Aryn. I’m an artist, aspiring advocate & the author of Breaking Benediction.
I: First time author, right?
A: Yeah. First time published author, so long as you don’t count school projects.
I: And this first book is a memoir.
A: Yes.
I: Now, was that important to have your first book be a memoir?
A: I felt it was. I knew even before writing it that this was a story that needed to be told at some point in my life. Even if for no other reason than as a therapy tool. Which is what it originally started as.
I: So, you didn’t plan on a memoir being your first book?
A: No. Not at all. Personally, I love fiction. When I was younger, I really wanted to be a fantasy writer. I still do and probably might in the future. But this story, the story of Breaking Benediction was something that needed to be told so badly that it prevented me from truly getting into the fictional world of writing.
I: Now, this book is massive. It’s a big piece. How long did it take you to write?
A: Yeah, it’s huge. It took a little less than a year and a half.
I: And was this constant writing?
A: Yes. I tried to make it a goal to at least write two pages a day. Some days I couldn’t even meet or barely met that and others I wrote nonstop.
I: That leads me to my next question. Did writing this memoir energize or exhaust you?
A: Honestly, it was a fair amount of both. On the one hand, it became such an overwhelming part of my therapy process that I was writing ten, twenty, thirty pages in a single day and then on the other hand, I wouldn’t be able to sit at my computer to type anything for days or even weeks.
I: Was that from the nature of what you were writing about?
A: Possibly. There were definitely some memories in there that were very hard to put down on paper, or paper so to speak since I typed it. But after everything was written, it felt like a massive weight off my chest.
I: Do you consider your book a “playbook” or a “how to” book?
A: I’m more confident to call it a playbook because it’s a play by play of what happened how it impacted my and my siblings’ lives.
I: Tell me about the making of “Breaking”? You mentioned that this memoir started as some kind of therapy for you. Tell me the process of how it grew from personal therapy into something you ultimately decided to share publicly.
A: Well, the funniest part was that I had no intention of ever writing a memoir. I planned to share the story at some point, but never in a written form. I didn’t want to hold a magnifying glass over my childhood and upbringing and make myself relive all of the things I talk about in the book. But it started off as a practical thing to do. At the time when I started writing, I’d been in therapy for a number of years, and it got to the point that I’d be having some kind of a crisis, I’d go to therapy, my therapist would ask a question, and then I’d have to explain the background and how the crisis I was currently dealing with was also connected to something that happened 5 years ago, but it was also connected to something from 3 years ago, and 10 years ago and I’d spend most of the session filling her in on all this backstory to get her up to date, and by the end we wouldn’t have any time to handle what was currently going on. So, I began writing more out of practicality so that I had a roadmap of sorts where I started at the beginning as far back as I could remember. From that, I slowly began to share it with people and the responses I got were overwhelmingly positive and supportive.
I: What was your aim with Breaking Benediction. What message did you feel was most important to get across?
A: Honestly, hope. That there is light at the end of the tunnel per say. And reflecting back on all the things in the memoir, both while considering writing about them and writing about them, the message morphed from a bleak story about growing up with trauma into a story about overcoming some of the worst aspects of humanity.
I: What was the reason some people gave you that helped you make the decision to publish it?
A: It started off with my therapist. She really was like my personal cheerleader, especially in the early stages of writing and sharing it with people. She encouraged me to write and some of the earliest feedback I got was how passionately she felt that my story was something that could help other people. And I didn’t believe that at first. I was very cynical about it. I felt like, I’m paying you to help me, of course you’re going to be encouraging. But after I’d been working on it for a couple months, and I think I’d written close to two hundred pages at that point, I went back to the beginning and reorganized my thoughts to make something cohesive enough for other people to read. I ended up offering the first thirty pages to anyone interested in reading it, and I was surprised because a lot of people did. A couple days after I’d emailed it, I started getting responses not just from friends, or family who knew me growing up, but extended family and acquaintances, and old friends I’d lost touch with. And every one of those replies were along the same line of “this was incredibly eye opening,” and “this is going to help a lot of people.” Even my eventual editor told me, after he finished his first pass of edits, that he found my story personally therapeutic and truly believed it was going to help people. And that’s when it finally started to sink in that maybe my story did matter and could help people.
I: And did you warn your Beta Readers what the book entailed?
A: Oh, yeah. I didn’t want anyone reading it who wasn’t ready to. I made it very clear to anyone who reached out what they were getting into, and that they weren’t obligated to read it if it became overwhelming.
I: There’s a lot of heavy stuff in Breaking Benediction, and it’s easy to see how many readers could get emotionally overwhelmed. Did any of your Beta Readers admit that they were? And do you remember the first book that made you feel that way?
A: That book for me was, “A child called It.” That was definitely the first book that affected me on such a deep level. I read it in the 6th grade for my literature class. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything since that struck a chord as much as that book did. And as for my Beta Readers, I did have several who admitted they couldn’t continue reading or had to take extended breaks between parts. I think it was beneficial when I was first writing that I would send my first draft in about thirty page parts to my readers. But as I got closer to the end, there were some readers who joined later that blew my mind with how fast they read through it all. A lot of my paternal family asked to read it after I’d finished my first draft, and some of them read through it in three days before messaging me to ask if there was more.
I: You’ve mentioned a lot how therapy, and your therapist in particular, were a major influence on the creation of Breaking Benediction. Do you remember the moment, or statement made, that was the first to breathe life into the project?
A: I have two, actually. I don’t remember which session the first one was made, but the second one was so profound to me, and had such a strong influence that I actually started the third act with it. The first one, I wrote at the top of my first draft to reference when I became overwhelmed, and it goes, “Let your trauma exist outside of yourself.” And the second one came about during a period of severe depression and ideation when I felt like sticking around wasn’t worth the effort. I was honest with my therapist about this and she said “Sometimes, the hero doesn’t make it to the end of their story. But wouldn’t you agree that kind of makes it a shitty story?” And that statement has followed me into every aspect of my life.
I: Did you ever consider writing under a pseudonym?
A: Yes. I had a couple different ones I considered and played around with. But I decided not to as I got further into writing and editing. I felt that it would be a disservice to myself, and what I was trying to do, to be so brutally honest throughout all of my writing, and then to chicken out at the last moment and hide behind a character or a name that wasn’t mine.
I: Was there anything you edited out of this book?
A: You’d think a thousand page book about someone’s awful upbringing would include everything, but you’d be surprised. Without spoiling anything in the book itself, there was a lot that I just couldn’t find a way to fit into the memoir. There were plenty of experiences and material that just didn’t make sense to include. It either distracted the reader from the focus on me and my siblings growing up, or didn’t have a resolution at the time of writing it, and I think for some of the events I opted not to add, it would have distressed readers to not give some kind of conclusion.
I: What is the most difficult part of your writing process?
A: The fact that I relieved every moment while writing it. I think that’s what made it exhausting to do. Every time I sat at the computer, I was transported back to the moment those memories happened, and I had to address it as both someone living it and someone watching it.
I: What was your hardest scene to write?
A: The hardest scene to write was probably when my mother kidnapped me and my sisters for several hours. It’s a very emotional and very vivid series of events that highlight a crucial core moment for me. It was honestly the first time that I was seriously faced with the possibility that I was going to die at someone else’s hand. It was very difficult to write about because it involved so many other people and was kind of my point of no return as far as seeing my parents for what they really were.
I: What book or books have had a strong influence on you or your writing? What are some comparison titles of books or movies similar to yours?
A: The book that had the biggest impact on me was easily “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls. When reading, I typically stay within my comfort zone of fiction and fantasy, but I was compelled to read this one because it was so highly recommended. In fact, this was the book that showed me that it was possible for me to write my story. I ordered The Glass Castle to take with me on vacation, and I couldn’t put it down. The day I got home, I sat down at my computer and began writing Breaking Benediction. I even referenced it in how I broke down my story by parts. Aside from that, some of my readers told me that my writing reminded them of “A Child Called It,” and after reflecting on that, I have to agree.
I: What does the title mean?
A: It’s a little bit of a play on words. “Benediction” is a religious word that means “closing blessing” which typically happens at the end of a religious service. To acknowledge one’s blessedness. A lot of the abuse we faced was justified through misinterpreted holy texts. That’s why I chose it as a title.
I: Tell us some more about your book.
A: So, Breaking Benediction is a survival story about my upbringing alongside my four siblings and dealing with trauma at a very early age. It includes everything from the deaths of close family members, to overcoming abuse and surviving it all until we escaped together.
I: You mentioned that you’re an aspiring advocate. What does that mean, and how are you pursuing that goal?
A: Advocacy is intertwined with the reason I’m publishing this book, and I want to eventually grow this into something I can use for public speaking on this issue. I want others to learn from our experience and prevent it from happening to others. Another bit of feedback I got from my readers early on was how much this story made them more aware of their surroundings. There were so many things that happened to my siblings and I, especially early on that could have been intercepted by others and would have prevented certain things from going on as long as they did.
I: Were you a young writer, a late bloomer, or something in between? What advice would you give to others who took up writing at a similar life phase?
A: Writing was only something I did as a pastime, and wasn’t something I’d seriously considered until I was in my late teens. I had aspirations to be an artist or something creative that was more hands on and involved other people. But one of the coolest things I took away from writing was that all you have to do is start. There’s no time like the present.
I: How do you balance the demands of writing with other responsibilities?
A: I wrote in between everything around me. I was working a full time and part time job that required a lot of my energy physically and mentally. Writing became an outlet for me in a similar way that physical art was at one point.
I: Do you prefer writing in silence or to music?
A: It depends on what I’m writing at the moment. Sometimes the content is so intense I need silence, but other times when it would get overwhelming, I needed music from my favorite artists like “Red” and “Three Days Grace” to get me over the hump. A lot of metaphorical, lyric heavy music is the silent background for a lot of my writing.
I: What do you know now that you wish you’d known at the beginning of your writing/publishing journey?
A: I wish I knew how helpful it would be. I would never have waited as long as I did to start writing. It brought me so much closer to others, and even to myself in a way since I now have a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am. I do wish though that I knew how much it would cost me emotionally to be so brutally honest.
I: Where could someone find Breaking Benediction if they wanted to read it?
A: The plan is for it to be available on any online retailer or book site. I opted for three formats. An unabridged eBook and printed version as well as a printed abridged version.
I: What steps would you suggest for an aspiring memoirist?
A: Be sure you have enough distance between yourself and your writing. Depending on the content, it’s going to be draining to write about, but make sure you are not overwhelmed and consumed by it. If you want to write a memoir, make sure there isn’t a hidden agenda.
I: If you could give one final bit of advice, inspiration, or encouragement to an aspiring poet or memoirist, what would it be?
A: Your trauma is heavy. Let the spine of a book support its weight instead.
I: Wow. Alright, thank you so much for taking the time to share this. I know readers will love getting to know you a little better and to see what Breaking Benediction entails. I wish you the best of luck with your publication and reaching everyone who can be helped by this.
Breaking Benediction 